The Space Between

Happy Families are all alike; every unhappy family is unhappy in its own way.” In this slightly humorous opening line of the famous novel, Anna Karenina, Leo Tolstoy declares that there are a myriad of ways that people in close relationships can be unhappy. Often this unhappiness can be observed most keenly within a marriage, but it can occur in any type of close relationship, familial or otherwise.

Dr. Sue Johnson, a Canadian Psychologist who has studied relationships for over 30 years, says “To be human is to need others, and this is no flaw or weakness.” Indeed, we were created to live in relationships with others with a desire to be fully known and deeply loved.  If we it's wired in our DNA to love others and be in relationship with them, why can relationships sometimes seem like terribly lonely places filled with pain, heartache and unmet needs?

Because of humanity’s imperfect nature, every relationship has moments of disconnection. Healthy relationships are able to repair and reconnect, while distressed ones are unable to do so and the spaces between the partners grow ever wider. These poetic lines from Dave Matthews offer a moving picture of the longing for connection and the fear of rejection that we all can feel at times:

We’re strange allies
With warring hearts
What a wild eyed beast you be
The space between
​The tears we cry
Is the laughter that keeps us coming back for more
The space between
The wicked lies we tell and hope to keep safe from the pain
But will I hold you again?

People deal with these moments of disconnection in different ways. Anxious and fearful about losing their partner or the relationship, some pursue connection through criticizing, blaming, or anger. In response, the other person may then seek to protect themselves by shutting down or taking some space to manage their own emotions, even if they aren’t sure exactly what they are feeling. With one person anxiously pursuing and the other withdrawing, it’s easy to see how they may miss each other and get caught up in the dance of misattunement. They are dancing to the music of their own painful emotions, which overwhelm them on that frightening dance floor of disconnection, causing them to make assumptions about the other’s intent and to be unable to give the other person the benefit of the doubt. And on it goes, over and over again.

If this, then, is a description of disconnection, what does emotional connection look like and how do people achieve it in their close relationships? An emotionally connected relationship provides a safe haven and a secure base from which we can confidently engage the world around us. Author David Brennen explains, “For love to transform us, not only must we meet in vulnerability, we must also linger long enough for it to penetrate our woundedness.” Connected relationships are safe, open, attuned and responsive. They answer “yes” to these important questions, “Can I reach for you? Can I depend on you to respond to me emotionally? Do I matter to you?” Attuned relationships can approach the other person with curiosity, giving them the benefit of the doubt. They can share their own need for connection and respond to the other person’s vulnerability with empathy because they feel safe, loved and accepted. This is not always easy to achieve, especially in highly conflictual relationships, but help is available to close the spaces between partners when the relationship distress becomes too overwhelming for people to handle on their own. As an Emotionally Focused Couples Therapist, I can help couples create relationships with safe, secure bonds that carry them through the trials and tribulations of life.



*If there is abuse, neglect, addiction, or abandonment within the relationship, physical separation and outside help may be necessary to ensure safety. 
Resource: Created for Connection by Sue Johnson and Kenny Sanderfer


Leslie Cude, LICSW, PIP, CCTP II

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